Funny Jim Gaffigan Quotes Fat People
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Dad Is Fat Quotes
Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan74,471 ratings, 3.76 average rating, 7,711 reviews
Dad Is Fat Quotes Showing 1-30 of 193
"I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn't get to it. "I gotta go to the post office, but I'd probably have to put on pants. And they're only open till five. Looks like I'm going to have to do that next week."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?"
― Dad is Fat
― Dad is Fat
"But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male's contribution to life, it's kind of embarrassing, really."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Babies are the worst roommates. They're unemployed. They don't pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you'd ask them to move out. "Do you remember what happened last night? Today you're all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife's breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Cousins are like celebrities for little kids."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it?"
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, "When can I come back here?" It's the carrot that keeps me motivated. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Now there are adults without children who go to Disney, and they are called weirdos. Very nice people. Absolutely crazy."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"I'm getting fat … as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll, but I want there to be room for it."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Look, you lost a tooth. Congratulations. Enjoy looking like a hillbilly. Here's a dollar,"
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: "Well, that's a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I'm doing." I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"If you've never been to a Catholic Mass, don't worry, it's still going on, you still have time to catch it."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Once your baby starts to walk you'll realize why cribs are designed like prisons from the early 1900s. This is clearly because toddlers are a danger to themselves. The main responsibility for a parent of a toddler is to stop them from accidentally hurting or killing themselves. They are superclumsy. If you don't believe me, watch a two-year-old girl attempt to walk up stairs in a long dress. It looks like a Carol Burnett sketch. Also, toddler judgment is horrible. They don't have any. Put a twelve-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I'm not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. "Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!"
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"I've become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. "But I don't have to." "Well, go anyway."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Whoever came up with the term "terrible twos" must have felt very foolish after their kid turned three."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"You are not only waking up sleep deprived, but now you are also sleep deprived and in charge of another human being."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it?"
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"A three-year-old with insomnia is very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal. There is nothing that calms them. They can't focus. You can't tell them enough stories. They don't understand why they are still awake four hours past their bedtime. This is commonly understood by all parents of three-year-olds and has inspired great works of literature, such as Go the F-ck to Sleep."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Whenever I travel with my young children, I'm always reminded of an important travel lesson: Never travel with my young children."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
"Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant."
― Dad Is Fat
― Dad Is Fat
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